You often hear stories of people devoting their entire lives to a specific area of study, only to realize it’s no longer something they love. I have always wondered how they had the courage to change career fields and learn something completely new.
I find myself battling this conundrum myself lately, and I can say without a doubt that it has been the most difficult experience to overcome. I was currently in the middle of drafting a pattern for a project I believed would calm my inner chaos. But the amount of resistance I experienced led me to sit here and write instead.
I spent the last decade devoted to designing and creativity, and now I can’t even sit down to create without a sense of dread washing over my body. I don’t know how to navigate these feelings, let alone understand them.
But how does one move on from the only thing that got them through the most difficult time of their lives?
I mourn who I was, I mourn the passion, the discipline, the determination, the need to be seen, understood, admired, even respected. I can’t see the meaning behind anything I once thought would change my life in a significant way.
And letting go of the person I needed to be to survive is so painful.
Because this identity has meant so much for me that letting it go feels like death, like I won’t know who I am anymore.
Some people assume you get to this place of not knowing what to do with your life because you somehow didn’t listen to your parents, or you don’t go to church. I find that doing exactly what people expect of you is what makes your life fall apart. Because after you’re done performing for others and God, can you truly ask the question, What am I here to do?
