Chronic Shame and its Roots

Chronic Shame and its Roots

Have you ever woken up on a random weekend with the realization that your life is just a hot mess, and as much as you try to fix things there’s nothing you can do to change them?

I’ve devoted my entire life to the self-improvement concept. I always had this lingering thought that the more I fixed myself the easier my life would be. But my life never got easier, because focusing on the things you hate about yourself doesn’t allow you to love yourself. I didn’t understand that the cause for this constant need for improvement was rooted in shame.

Shame is a permeating feeling in my life. I never felt adequate because part of me knew I could do better. I’ve been afraid of saying the wrong things, not responding to people from a healed emotional state, and not being where I was “supposed” to be. Married, a successful business owner, earning X amount of money, living in a spacious place.

But as I delved deeper into myself, I discovered that these expectations were rooted in my childhood conditioning. Growing up in a Christian household, it was normal to be called a “sinner”, for having desires and for pursuing anything that could potentially make you feel good about yourself.

Why was I so wrong?

I believed everything in me was wrong: my thoughts, feelings, and desires. I couldn’t trust my body or mind for guidance because they were leading me to “temptation.”

Shame is an inherent feeling for people who are Christians because their belief is based on sin. For Christians, we are born sinners, which means everything we do is wrong, and there’s nothing we can do about it. They believe that the God that saves them can only save them if they repent, and change there ways. But have you ever tired to be entirely good for one day? If you have, Please share your experience.. lol its impossible.

Going back to my childhood-

My stepdad would make his rounds of accusations whenever we didn’t live up to his expectations. The words- “you’re going to hell” would be a constant threat in our household. As I grew older, I started to understand that his constant threat was a form of manipulation to keep us obeying his commands, regardless of how absurd they were. As a pastor, he would predict our future, and scare us into behaving.

When we learn at an early age that we are faulty, we carry the baggage of being undeserving, and what does undeserving mean? It means that we are never good enough.

The Problem with Just Believing

These religious institutions were created to provide us with guidance on how to live. Unfortunately, because we are so afraid of existence, we have decided to abandon our guiding system. We just agree to things without questioning their origin and intention.

How could these doctrines be teaching me freedom when all it has done is make me codependent?

I remember being told as a child not to question God. I remember thinking, but who else would know the answers? The interesting thing is that people blindly believe what the bible says but wouldn’t ask a simple question like – well, if God is not a God of contradiction then why are we bad if he made everything good?

Isn’t Coercion evil? if you have to do XY and Z to not be sent to hell, then do you have a choice to begin with?

Fear is never the answer, and it will never lead you to “heaven.”

Shame is the lowest level of consciousness in the consciousness map. Meaning that you are literally in hell while you’re experiencing these emotions.

Shame shows up in the most inconspicuous ways in our lives. It can take on many abstract forms, like not feeling adequate, thinking you’re saying the wrong things, not being able to share your story, thinking people are judging you, trying to control the narratives about you, and always wanting to do things perfectly.

Steps on healing Chronic Shame

Healing from chronic shame is a complex and often long-term process, but it is absolutely possible with commitment and support. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Self-awareness: Recognize and acknowledge your feelings of shame. Understand where these feelings stem from and how they impact your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships.
2. Challenge negative beliefs: Identify and challenge the negative beliefs about yourself that contribute to feelings of shame. Practice self-compassion and replace self-criticism with self-acceptance.
3. Therapy: Consider seeking therapy with a qualified therapist who specializes in treating shame and related issues. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and process your feelings, gain insights into underlying causes of shame, and learn coping strategies.
4. Mindfulness and self-care: Engage in mindfulness practices such as meditation and deep breathing exercises to cultivate self-awareness and reduce self-judgment. Take care of your physical and emotional needs through activities that nourish your body and soul.
5. Build supportive relationships: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people who accept you for who you are. Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members who can offer empathy and encouragement.

More ways to heal

1. Set boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships and prioritize your own well-being. Learn to say no to situations or people that trigger feelings of shame or inadequacy.
2. Focus on strengths: Shift your focus from perceived weaknesses to your strengths and achievements. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem.
3. Seek validation internally: Work on building self-esteem and self-worth from within, rather than seeking validation from external sources. Practice self-validation and affirmations to reinforce positive self-beliefs.
4. Forgiveness: Practice forgiveness, both towards yourself and others. Let go of past mistakes and recognize that you are worthy of love and acceptance despite imperfections.
5. Educate yourself: Read books or articles about shame, self-esteem, and self-compassion to deepen your understanding of these concepts and gain new perspectives on your healing journey.

Self- Love as a form of Healing

Healing from chronic shame demands self-awareness, challenging negative beliefs, therapy, mindfulness, self-care, supportive relationships, boundaries, focus on strengths, internal validation, forgiveness, and education.

Shame manifests subtly, inhibiting self-expression and fostering perfectionism. Embracing self-compassion offers a path to liberation from its grip. Consider exploring resources like “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook” by Kristin Neff, PhD, and Christopher Germer, PhD.

Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and embrace who you are.